Crazy Amber is crazy.
I am enjoying the fact that I have been so open and honest with people for the last few months. This blog may be way too honest and forward for some people (sorry Mom and Dad) but I think it helps me understand what’s going on inside my head right now. I’ve gotten positive and negative feedback but I think it has all be for my benefit in the end.
Also, I am a masochist and thought it would be fun to share my embarrassing adventures in dating. …
I have been single for approximately 3 months. This is essentially the first time I have been single in my adult life. I met my ex fiancé when I was 19 years old and spent about 8 years with him. That is insane. That is almost 1/3 of my life. Needless to say, the last 3 months have been completely upside down from where I thought I would be by my 28th birthday, which occurs at the end of this month.
Where did I think I would be?
Well, before I even met Bobby, I assumed I would be a college graduate, married and have a kid or two by 28. In reality, I am just now starting my college career. I have changed my major a couple times and most recently have decided to get a degree in Dietetics with a minor in Psychology. My reasoning for Dietetics is that I know for a fact that going on a fad diet will not work for anyone. You have to change your lifestyle and your diet is the most important. I am excited to learn more about the nutrition field and the reasons why we need to eat what we need to eat. I chose psychology as a minor because it is a major influence in how people eat. I know that as a woman who was, and still is, overweight, eating can be completely controlled to your emotions. I want to learn why and how I can help people work through those issues.
I was going to be married before my 28th birthday. (You probably didn’t know that, since I am so good at hiding my emotions. HAHA. You know sarcasm when you hear it, right?) I was to be married June 29, 2013. It didn’t happen since we broke up at the beginning of May. Needless to say, it was an exciting experience canceling my dream wedding.
Now I am single and dating. It is one of the strangest things I have ever gone through. Having more than one man interested in me is something I hadn’t expected. I assumed that my dorkiness and my weight would always be a turn off to guys. When I look in the mirror I still see Fat Amber and it’s weird when I realize that I am no longer that same big and sad girl. I am attractive and kind of beautiful. J
I’ve gone on more than a couple dates now, and even though it is foreign to me to go to a movie, have dinner, kiss, or sleep with someone other than Bobby, it has been a good experience for me. I’ve had good dates and bad. And no, I am not sleeping with everyone I meet. For some reason, people assume that I am looking just for someone to have sex with. I’m not. I know I am nowhere near ready for a boyfriend but I am not the kind of person to just sleep with a guy and move on to the next. If I decide to be with someone physically it’s because I have an interest in someone.
I am going off on a tangent here but I have some words to say to whoever invented “Dating”. There should be a rulebook so I know what proper dating etiquette involves. If I want to see a guy again after we went to the movies together, do I wait for him to ask me or do I ask him to hang out again? I have no patience or tact so I just asked, “When do I get to hang out with you again?” Thankfully, he responded with a time and not with silence.
Then there is the bad date. I am sure there will be more than one, but I’ve only had one uncomfortable date so far. We had coffee and he said about 5 entire sentences during the 60 minutes we spent together. I don’t know if he was so turned off by me he wanted to get rid of me or if the fact that he had no job, lived with his parents, and was missing his two front teeth made him shy…but it was bad. I didn’t make an effort to contact him afterward, and he didn’t try to talk to me. I think it was mutual awkwardness but still, should I have said something?
But wait! There’s more! Then there is the guy, who you actually like, and you tell him so, only to realize you’re acting like a 15 year old with a crush. Then you have to go hide in your fort and hope he isn’t frightened by your pseudo assertiveness. Who woulda thunk that you would have these kinds of issues in your life?
And back to discussing where I thought I would be at 28…
Kids? I don’t even know if I want them anymore. I used to think I wanted at least one but now, I am realizing that the world is a crappy place and also, I like my freedom. I don’t know if I want to give that up. This is all circumstantial of course, if I met the right person, and had my life in order, I may change my mind.
These days I still get sad. I still miss Bobby. He was, and still is my best friend. A girl friend pointed out to me recently that maybe, towards the end of our relationship, we loved each other but we weren’t in love anymore. He was my best friend and neither of us wanted to give that up. I am grateful that he chose not to marry me. If we had gotten married, I don’t think either of us could have been completely happy. I’m not happy yet, but I think I am firmly headed in that direction. And I am no longer miserable, so there’s that too.