My trip to Florida was exactly what the doctor ordered. Getting out of town was a relief and seeing family who I haven’t seen in 15 years (and a few new members I’d never met before) was just what my broken heart needed. Being with my cousins again made me feel both young and old. Young, because it felt like we never missed a beat. Old, because they all got old (of course, I didn’t get old, I just feel old haha) and because two of them have babies of their own now!
The last night I was in Florida the whole family got together at my Aunt’s house. It was loud and hectic considering it consisted of my Aunt Liz, Uncle Derel, Cousins Derek, Jessica, Stefanie, and Erin, also Stefanie’s boyfriend Omar, Jessica’s two year old, Joltin, and Erin’s one year old, Ava. It was a full house. Exactly how I remember it being every time we all got together. If you threw in my Uncle Steve and my Dad than there would have been no chance at silence:-p. That night I felt like crying because I didn’t want to leave! I can’t explain the feeling I had but it was the first time in more than a few months that I was honestly happy.
Since coming home I have come to find that I have a new found clarity. Sure, I get sad still, but I’m not miserable anymore. My family is a huge part of that and I realize that the friends that have stuck around throughout my craziness are some of the most wonderful people I know. I am so lucky to have them in my life. There are new friends and new people in my life that I think will be positive parts of my life.
I’m doing things that I never expected I would do. Some little things like going and doing things alone, some bigger things like traveling across the country on a whim. I posted on Facebook the other day that I thought the old Amber was coming back. I meant it as a good thing, that old happy Amber was coming back, but in reality, old Amber is gone, and I don’t think she was all that happy anyway. New Amber, well she’s still trying to find her way but I think I like her.