Is this kind of honesty the best policy?

toesBefore you read this post, I must tell you.  I jump around like crazy and I share way more information than anyone probably wants to know.   You have been warned.  I am kind of raw in this post, and I don’t know yet if it is a good idea but I am doing it anyway.

I think at the very beginning of this breakup, as fucked up as I was (and am), I was in a better place.  I seemed to have the motivation to become the person I want to be.  This blog is proof.  It was much more productive, and I actually wrote here, much more often in mid May.  However, the closer my would-be wedding day got, the worse I felt and the less I felt like living.

I am that crazy women who cried and got drunk in her wedding dress.  It is incredibly embarrassing to admit, but at this point in my life I think full disclosure is the best thing, if only to make sure I remember this and don’t repeat the cycle of crazy.  I have decided that starting in July (aka, tomorrow) I am going to change this.  Tonight, however, if I want to bring my crazy out and dance around in my dress, I’m going to do it.  But it is time to stop sitting here and waiting for something good to happen and make things happen by myself.

By myself.  That’s the most terrifying part of this I guess.

I was convinced that when Bobby left me I would be alone forever and no one would love me.  In my mind, I am still that 400lb girl who didn’t believe she deserved love.  Now that I am single for the first time in my life, and I am no longer morbidly obese, I am realizing I am not as terrible as I thought I was.  The biggest shocker to me is that people are actually showing interest in me.  I am no where near ready for a relationship yet, and while a man may be able to sleep with a woman quickly after a breakup, and even some women, I can’t.  The opportunity is there and while just kissing someone different is nice, it feels so foreign still.  I can’t imagine making love to someone else.

Sometimes, when it comes to being a better human being, I am all talk and no action.  I hate that I have issues with follow through.  I think that is another reason I started this blog.  If I put it out there on the Internet for people to see, maybe I will hold myself more accountable.  I’ve made myself a daily schedule that I am going to follow.  I even made myself a little checklist to make sure I accomplish everything each day.

Someone famous and super smart once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.”  In other words, sitting on my ass and getting wasted every night and still expecting my life to get better is not good for me.  Not to mention the toll it is taking on my liver.

So yeah, this rambling post is basically admitting I am crazy and that I am going to not be so crazy starting tomorrow.  Project Awesome will be back with a vengeance!

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